Points to Ponder

-Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

-I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

-The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

-Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

-If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

-We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

-War does not determine who is right — only who is left.

-Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

-The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

-Evening news is where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

-To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

-A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.

-How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

-Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

-I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.

-A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

-Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR.”

-I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

-Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

-Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

-Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

-A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

-You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

-The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

-Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

-A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

-Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

-Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

-I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

-Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

-There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

-I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

-When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

-You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

-Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

-A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

-If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

-Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine