Thoughts of John

What is on my mind.

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If you are a follower of this blog. I thank you for your support. I wanted to let you know that I set up my own website for all future posts. You can find those posts at http://www.johnmwarren.org. Again I want to thank you and hope that you will follow me to my new website.

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October 2, 2014 Posted by | Bible, Bible Study, Biblical Interpretation, Christian, Christianity, God, Jesus, New Testament, Religon, Theology | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A Little Humor

1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”

2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”

3. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

4. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

5. “Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”

6. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”

7. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”

8. “Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

9. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not: Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

10. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go on rides and eat cotton candy and corn dogs.”

11. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

12. “In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.” (National Crime Information Center)

13. “Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?”

14. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”

15. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief [of Police] is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”

16. “You thought we don’t give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”

March 2, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , | Leave a comment

Points to Ponder

-Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

-I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

-The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

-Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

-If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

-We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

-War does not determine who is right — only who is left.

-Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

-The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

-Evening news is where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

-To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

-A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.

-How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

-Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

-I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.

-A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

-Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR.”

-I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

-Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

-Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

-Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

-A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

-You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

-The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

-Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

-A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

-Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

-Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

-I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

-Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

-There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

-I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

-When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

-You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

-Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

-A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

-If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

-Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine

October 28, 2010 Posted by | blogging, Uncategorized | , , , | Leave a comment

   

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